Stop Bullying Me!

I would like to highly recommend a book on domestic violence I recently finished which helped me realize how many types of emotional abuse there are, as well as to make me realize just how severe the abuse is I’ve been dealing with. Certainly a lot of domestic violence situations are much worse than the victim realizes or is willing to accept based on their current knowledge of what constitutes abuse. Continue reading “Stop Bullying Me!”

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Long-Term Effects of Verbal Abuse

Effects-of-Relationship-to-Abuser-on-Wellbeing pdf doc
Unless you have had the occasion to be in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship or marriage, it is very easy to think that verbal abuse is “no big deal” or “not as bad as physical abuse”. Quite the contrary, however. Verbal and emotional abuse is so damaging to a person’s emotional well-being and state of mind that, if inflicted over a long period of time, it can severely and even irreversibly damage the victim’s mental health.

Continue reading “Long-Term Effects of Verbal Abuse”

How Can You Help?

There are so many options in order to take action against domestic violence. The first and one of the most important way everyone can help is by raising domestic violence awareness by not just educating yourself and those around you, but by encouraging those around you–anyone you talk to!– to educate those around them

Another way you help this cause is through donations. If you can’t personally make a donation, you can start your own fundraiser to raise funds for domestic violence awareness, or you can join Team Horizon emotionalabusehurts and start raising money directly through Safe Horizons and emotionalabusehurts blog.

Enter the Respect! Challenge and share who you have to thank for teaching you respect, whether it be your mother, father, grandparents…and tell your story!

You can volunteer your time helping at a domestic violence center or a battered women’s shelter. Find your local battered women’s shelter and see how you can volunteer your help, or visit one of the many online hotlines, such as hotline.org, and go to the “take action” or “how can I help?” page to see what help they need.

For more information and ideas on how you can get involved, this article through Pixel Project gives sixteen ways you can help.

futures-leftAnother invaluable resource for tips on getting involved is at futureswithoutviolence.org

and National Coalition to End Domestic Violence says:

NNEDV asks advocates and allies to contact Congress at key times to influence legislation and funding for domestic violence programs.  NNEDV will ask you to make phone calls, send an email or take action on social media sites.  Taking a few minutes to contact your elected officials can mean a world of difference to a survivor of domestic violence

You can also google “how to get involved in fight against domestic violence” or something similar, and you’d be amazed how many links you find!

 

Dying to Escape Yet Terrified to Leave…

It’s been 6.5 years since my husband and I split up in 2012 then legally separated a year later. Yet here I sit, trapped in the same old fucked up life I’ve been struggling to get away from, and had gotten away for nearly six years, since less than two years after we married.

In December of this year, 2018, our 21st wedding anniversary will be here. Twenty-one years. On the one hand, I can’t believe I’m back living in this hell again, after finally getting away from it. On the other hand, though, I realize now that I was wrong in my thinking that my three children were unaffected by the frequent, sometimes even daily psychological torment and extreme mental abuse inflicted on me over more than twenty-one years by their father. I don’t know what made me think that they were okay for so many years living with him, I genuinely was unable (at the time) – or else unwilling – to see that they were affected by his abuse both verbally and emotionally, at least as much as I was affected by it. I suppose my denial was a combination of wishful thinking and denial.

Whatever the case may be, one thing is very unique about my marriage which  makes it differ from most abusive relationships: my husband does not apologize for his words, behavior, mind games, or any of the other forms of psychological abuse he displays. There is no begging for my forgiveness or promising it will “never happen again”. Moreover, he does not believe he does anything wrong. He believes that everything is my fault. Every single fight, is always my fault.

One major factor in this abusive relationship which I don’t believe I have spent much time discussing, is my husband’s mental illness. See, he was honorably discharged from the Air Force in 1984 after being diagnosed with a personality disorder. I found his discharge paperwork in 1998 when we had been married less than a year. He explained it away, saying that it was “Mary’s fault” (his first wife). For many years I wholeheartedly believed his lies and bullshit about how abusive his ex-wife was. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t him. It took me years to finally see that.

My children and I are living in complete dysfunction and instability at the hands of someone with a very selfish, narcissistic personality disorder, which I am almost 100% certain is borderline personality disorder. Google BPD. You will feel a chill creep up your spine upon reading about it’s characteristics.

And that’s the daily life we experience in this house. I keep thinking things will get better but, they never do. They never get better. I gotta get us out of here, but how can I do this when we are controlled by a narcissist?

 

Here I Go Again

…I kiss him softly on his lips before I leave the room momentarily to grab something from the kitchen. I turn to look at him before turning the corner to the hallway, and he smiles so big as he watches me walk all the way to the kitchen. Gone no more than sixty seconds, I walk back to the room and his door feels locked; I realize he locked me out on purpose; I must have taken too long in the kitchen. I lightly knock on his door. He opens it, only to have for me rage all over his face; his own eyes look angry..dark..dead…as if he has become someone else entirely… Continue reading “Here I Go Again”

Need to Butt-Out

I learned a lesson recently about being too passionate about domestic violence awareness and sticking my nose where it’s not wanted, and it’s a lesson that cost me what could have ended up being a friend. To that person I apologize sincerely. I am just very passionate about the issue of domestic violence and when I hear it I react. I didn’t intend to upset you. I wanted to let you know you could talk to me if you wanted to. Here’s what happened:

I was at a friend’s house and overheard a man yelling at, demeaning and calling his girlfriend names over what sounded like nothing, and it was the middle of the night. It’s usually nothing. She was very patient and calm with him, and continued to be patient, to no avail. As any emotionally abused person is aware it does not really matter how calm or patient we are–once an abuser becomes enraged, he or she gets to a point very quickly where no matter what the victim says, nothing is right.

I approached her the next day after being introduced, for what started off as a friendly introduction. Then I said something. She was fine about it at first but then I think I took it too far. After that she was very different toward me. It’s a bummer when that happens, but I want her to know I won’t say another word about it.

To be honest I don’t think if I was presented with the same situation but another stranger, I would be able to keep my mouth closed. It’s in my nature to be caring and nurturing. I care about people and I care about domestic violence victims in general. I’m one.

I’m Scared Gyrl and I’m here if you need someone to talk to, email me anytime day or night at emotionalabusehurts@cybergal.com 

Thanks for reading!

Ask Congress to Keep Guns Away from Abusers

Why should a reported, known domestic abuser be allowed to have a gun? The National Network to End Domestic Violence states, in regard to advocating for domestic violence legislation, that

Year after year, we call upon Congress to enact gun safety legislation that enhances safety for women and families by closing existing gaps in federal firearms laws and expanding background checks.  A number of Members of Congress are advocating for an important background check bill that would help keep firearms out of the hands of dangerous abusers. 

Ask your member of Congress to show his or her support by joining the call for action on this life-saving legislation by clicking here

Federal Legislation on Domestic Violence

There is a surprising amount of legislation in place protecting women and other victims from domestic violence. There are state mandatory reporting laws for domestic violence, which I wasn’t aware of, very similar to the mandatory reporting laws for child abuse. Read the following pdf file about these laws: mandatory.reporting (pdf file). project-connect

Project Connect is a national initiative through the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services to change how tween and teen health, female reproductive health, and Native health services respond to sexual and domestic violence. Project Connect can

help improve maternal and adolescent health and decrease the risks for unplanned pregnancy, poor pregnancy outcomes, and further abuse

There are several landmark cases that have been decided under these new interstate provisions. For example, in United States v. Rita Gluzman (NY), the defendant traveled from New Jersey to New York with the intention of killing her estranged husband. The weapons she took with her were used in the murder. Gluzman was convicted for this crime. In United States v. Mark A. Sterkel (1997), the defendant was convicted of interstate stalking after traveling from Utah to Arizona to threaten his former boss.

Office on Violence Against Women, a division of the United States Department of Justice, seeks to, through federal leadership, reduce violence against women and administer justice for the crimes committed in victims, as well as to ensure there are services and resources available to victims of not just domestic violence but also of dating violence, sexual assault and stalking.

Congress has passed two main federal laws on domestic violence. The first is Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), under which a domestic violence misdemeanor is one in which someone is convicted for a crime “committed by an intimate partner, parent, or guardian of the victim that required the use or attempted use of physical force or the threatened use of a deadly weapon” (Section 922 (g)[9]). Under these guidelines, an intimate partner is a spouse, a former spouse, a person who shares a child in common with the victim, or a person who cohabits or has cohabited with the victim. VAWA originally allowed victims of domestic abuse to sue for damages in civil court. However, this part of the VAWA was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in Brzonkala v. Morrison (2000), wherein the court held that Congress did not have the authority to implement such a law. The Violence Against Women Act states:

The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was the first major law to help government agencies and victim advocates work together to fight domestic violence, sexual assault, and other types of violence against women. It created new punishments for certain crimes and started programs to prevent violence and help victims. Over the years, the law has been expanded to provide more programs and services. Currently, some included items are:

  • Violence prevention programs in communities
  • Protections for victims who are evicted from their homes because of events related to domestic violence or stalking
  • Funding for victim assistance services like rape crisis centers and hotlines
  • Programs to meet the needs of immigrant women and women of different races or ethnicities
  • Programs and services for victims with disabilities
  • Legal aid for survivors of violence
  • Services for children and teens

The National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women works to help promote the goals and vision of VAWA. The committee is a joint effort between the U.S. Department of Justice and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Examples of the committee’s efforts include the Community Checklist initiative to make sure each community has domestic violence programs and the Toolkit to End Violence Against Women, which has chapters for specific audiences

The Family Violence Prevention and Services Act:

provides the main federal funding to help victims of domestic violence and their dependents (such as children). Programs funded through FVPSA provide shelter and related help. They also offer violence prevention activities and try to improve how service agencies work together in communities

Click here for more laws and legislation for domestic violence.

As always, you can reach me anytime at emotionalabusehurts@cybergal.com. Thank you for reading!