Emotional Abuse is Worse Than We Think

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Two Down, One to Go

I can’t believe it. Our oldest son is out on his own. Two months ago, my husband kicked him out of the house. My son asked me to go pick him up some Kahlua one afternoon, and when I returned home shortly after, he was loading things into his Saturn. I hopped out of the car and immediately ran in the house to see what was going on, and he was in tears. My stomach dropped. I thought I might vomit.

“What happened? Where are you going?” I asked, in a panic.

“Dad kicked me out of the house…”

My mind couldn’t process what he had just said. Kicked him out of the house? I was gone maybe twenty minutes, and my husband wasn’t even home, he was two hours away working. I asked him what happened. He reminded me of the string of around fifty texts my kids received that morning from their Dad, him going on and on about his uniforms being on the couch, wrinkled, when he went to get dressed for work.

“These uniforms make this household a lot of money, I expect if you take them out of the dryer to put your own clothes in, that you take the time to hang them up”. Valid point. “My kids are so fucking lazy and pathetic that they don’t give two fucks about my clothes being wrinkled, so mother fucking careless that…..lazy mother fuckers…sick of your bullshit excuses…little fucking lazy fucks…” Not necessary. That’s taking it too far.

My son’s response to his texts angered my husband to the point he told our son to pack his shit and get the fuck out. I couldn’t believe it. My son had tears streaming down his face as he loaded his crap in to his car. He didn’t have anywhere to go – and his best friend lived with us as well. So that meant both of them were leaving.

A little over a month after that, our daughter moved out. She and her best friend got a place together (a basement room) and were so excited to act like adults. They excitedly bought items they needed to decorate their little basement room, and it brought back so many memories for me of what it was like the first time I got my own apartment with my best friend. It was such an exciting time. I loved the responsibility and I loved being a grown-up.

But less than a week after she left, I came to the harsh realization that my children had been much more affected by their father’s verbal abuse than I ever imagined. In fact, my daughter wasn’t even ready to move out on her own — she simply wanted to get out of the house so bad that she moved out prematurely (more on that in another post). The first time I saw her after she moved out, I could tell she had lost weight.

“Do you have food?” I asked her.

“Na. But don’t worry, it will be okay”.

Right. I wanted to take her to get food. Her Dad said to let her struggle. “Let her be an adult since she wanted to be one so god damn bad”, he said.

So now it’s just my husband, our youngest son (who’s 14 years old and just started his freshman year in high school), and me. I’m working and trying to juggle being a working woman, being a Mom, and keeping our house clean. It’s hard and things are tough right now, but I’m mostly getting accustomed to our oldest two children being gone. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe they are gone.

I miss them.

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Honored to Be Nominated: Sunshine Blogger Award

I am cheered up this morning, and thrilled to announce that I have been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award!  The Sunshine Blogger Award is a peer appreciation award given to those who are deemed to be creative, positive, and inspiring, while spreading sunshine to the blogging community. I appreciate the kind and uplifting words today, K really needed them. Thank you so much, Pascales Healing Journey for the wonderful thing you did for me by selecting me as one of your nominees! I would really like to Continue reading Honored to Be Nominated: Sunshine Blogger Award

Dying to Escape Yet Terrified to Leave…

It’s been 6.5 years since my husband and I split up in 2012 then legally separated a year later. Yet here I sit, trapped in the same old fucked up life I’ve been struggling to get away from, and had gotten away for nearly six years, since less than two years after we married.

Continue reading Dying to Escape Yet Terrified to Leave…

Here I Go Again

…I kiss him softly on his lips before I leave the room momentarily to grab something from the kitchen. I turn to look at him before turning the corner to the hallway, and he smiles so big as he watches me walk all the way to the kitchen. Gone no more than sixty seconds, I walk back to the room and his door feels locked; I realize he locked me out on purpose; I must have taken too long in the kitchen. I lightly knock on his door. He opens it, only to have for me rage all over his face; his own eyes look angry..dark..dead…as if he has become someone else entirely… Continue reading Here I Go Again

Need to Butt-Out

I learned a lesson recently about being too passionate about domestic violence awareness and sticking my nose where it’s not wanted, and it’s a lesson that cost me what could have ended up being a friend. To that person I apologize sincerely. I am just very passionate about the issue of domestic violence and when I hear it I react. I didn’t intend to upset you. I wanted to let you know you could talk to me if you wanted to. Here’s what happened:

I was at a friend’s house and overheard a man yelling at, demeaning and calling his girlfriend names over what sounded like nothing, and it was the middle of the night. It’s usually nothing. She was very patient and calm with him, and continued to be patient, to no avail. As any emotionally abused person is aware it does not really matter how calm or patient we are–once an abuser becomes enraged, he or she gets to a point very quickly where no matter what the victim says, nothing is right.

I approached her the next day after being introduced, for what started off as a friendly introduction. Then I said something. She was fine about it at first but then I think I took it too far. After that she was very different toward me. It’s a bummer when that happens, but I want her to know I won’t say another word about it.

To be honest I don’t think if I was presented with the same situation but another stranger, I would be able to keep my mouth closed. It’s in my nature to be caring and nurturing. I care about people and I care about domestic violence victims in general. I’m one.

I’m Scared Gyrl and I’m here if you need someone to talk to, email me anytime day or night at emotionalabusehurts@cybergal.com 

Thanks for reading!

Stop Bullying Me!

I would like to highly recommend a book on domestic violence I recently finished which helped me realize how many types of emotional abuse there are, as well as to make me realize just how severe the abuse is I’ve been dealing with. Certainly a lot of domestic violence situations are much worse than the victim realizes or is willing to accept based on their current knowledge of what constitutes abuse. Continue reading Stop Bullying Me!

Ask Congress to Keep Guns Away from Abusers

Why should a reported, known domestic abuser be allowed to have a gun? The National Network to End Domestic Violence states, in regard to advocating for domestic violence legislation, that

Year after year, we call upon Congress to enact gun safety legislation that enhances safety for women and families by closing existing gaps in federal firearms laws and expanding background checks.  A number of Members of Congress are advocating for an important background check bill that would help keep firearms out of the hands of dangerous abusers. 

Ask your member of Congress to show his or her support by joining the call for action on this life-saving legislation by clicking here

Join Team emotionalabusehurts!

 

safe.horizon2

Visit My Team to raise money for domestic violence awareness at Team Horizon through Safe Horizon!

 

Federal Legislation on Domestic Violence

There is a surprising amount of legislation in place protecting women and other victims from domestic violence. There are state mandatory reporting laws for domestic violence, which I wasn’t aware of, very similar to the mandatory reporting laws for child abuse. Read the following pdf file about these laws: mandatory.reporting (pdf file).

project-connect

Project Connect is a national initiative through the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services to change how tween and teen health, female reproductive health, and Native health services respond to sexual and domestic violence. Project Connect can help improve maternal and adolescent health and decrease the risks for unplanned pregnancy, poor pregnancy outcomes, and further abuse.
There are several landmark cases that have been decided under these new interstate provisions. For example, in United States v. Rita Gluzman (NY), the defendant traveled from New Jersey to New York with the intention of killing her estranged husband. The weapons she took with her were used in the murder. Gluzman was convicted for this crime. In United States v. Mark A. Sterkel (1997), the defendant was convicted of interstate stalking after traveling from Utah to Arizona to threaten his former boss.
Office on Violence Against Women, a division of the United States Department of Justice, seeks to, through federal leadership, reduce violence against women and administer justice for the crimes committed in victims, as well as to ensure there are services and resources available to victims of not just domestic violence but also of dating violence, sexual assault and stalking.
Congress has passed two main federal laws on domestic violence. The first is Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), under which a domestic violence misdemeanor is one in which someone is convicted for a crime “committed by an intimate partner, parent, or guardian of the victim that required the use or attempted use of physical force or the threatened use of a deadly weapon” (Section 922 (g)[9]). Under these guidelines, an intimate partner is a spouse, a former spouse, a person who shares a child in common with the victim, or a person who cohabits or has cohabited with the victim. VAWA originally allowed victims of domestic abuse to sue for damages in civil court. However, this part of the VAWA was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in Brzonkala v. Morrison (2000), wherein the court held that Congress did not have the authority to implement such a law. The Violence Against Women Act states:

The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was the first major law to help government agencies and victim advocates work together to fight domestic violence, sexual assault, and other types of violence against women. It created new punishments for certain crimes and started programs to prevent violence and help victims. Over the years, the law has been expanded to provide more programs and services. Currently, some included items are:

  • Violence prevention programs in communities
  • Protections for victims who are evicted from their homes because of events related to domestic violence or stalking
  • Funding for victim assistance services like rape crisis centers and hotlines
  • Programs to meet the needs of immigrant women and women of different races or ethnicities
  • Programs and services for victims with disabilities
  • Legal aid for survivors of violence
  • Services for children and teens

The National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women works to help promote the goals and vision of VAWA. The committee is a joint effort between the U.S. Department of Justice and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Examples of the committee’s efforts include the Community Checklist initiative to make sure each community has domestic violence programs and the Toolkit to End Violence Against Women, which has chapters for specific audiences
The Family Violence Prevention and Services Act:

“…provides the main federal funding to help victims of domestic violence and their dependents (such as children). Programs funded through FVPSA provide shelter and related help. They also offer violence prevention activities and try to improve how service agencies work together in communities…”

Click here for more laws and legislation for domestic violence.
As always, you can reach me anytime at emotionalabusehurts@cybergal.com. Thank you for reading!