Stop Bullying Me!

I would like to highly recommend a book on domestic violence I recently finished which helped me realize how many types of emotional abuse there are, as well as to make me realize just how severe the abuse is I’ve been dealing with. Certainly a lot of domestic violence situations are much worse than the victim realizes or is willing to accept based on their current knowledge of what constitutes abuse. Continue reading “Stop Bullying Me!”

Dealing With Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is very difficult to deal with on a day to day basis, especially if it’s severe, ever gets violent or if it is escalating, in which case it will definitely only continue to get worse. There are so many resources for women who are dealing with abuse and I will eventually add them to this site, but for now I’m not going to preach about getting help when I myself have failed to do so. There are many ways you can cope with the feelings which accompany abuse, and attempt to help the situation successfully, without using any resources at all, other than maybe a counselor or therapist. I suggest everyone go to counseling on a regular basis whether they have problems or not.

There are a number of mental issues which arise as a direct result of emotional abuse. The most common and difficult to deal with are depression and anxiety. Because the abuse is situational, often times taking antidepressants fail to help. I tried that many times throughout my marriage and one time it seemed to help but I also was drinking heavily. Some great techniques for coping with depression and anxiety are meditation, yoga, going to the gym for a workout, jogging  (which creates a runner’s high, sure to help depression) and I’ve always read that support groups are a fabulous way to help depression but, I myself have never tried one.

Support groups would undoubtedly make a huge difference with the abuse itself as well and I believe talking about it, similar to the effect of writing about it, to be a very constructive and positive coping skill. A group of women all getting together to share their experiences with each other and talk about their feelings, as well as to listen to others do the same, is an excellent way to take a positive step toward either fixing it through therapy, or leaving the marriage permanently. I think the biggest reason support groups work so well for so many people, is first of all, it’s a fantastic opportunity to sit around your peers and talk about the worst thing in your life. Talking about it is always very therapeutic. Second, it allows people to come together and feel like they aren’t alone. It provides camaraderie to the victim, something that is lacking in the abusive relationship.

The day I started this blog I made a new friend, a fellow WordPress blogger, who visited my blog and was thrilled to have found someone going through what she is going through. I’m assuming she hasn’t told any of the friends or family in her life about the prick she’s with, and I felt her pain as I read her story. I didn’t realize there was anyone in this world who didn’t know someone going through emotional or verbal abuse. I know quite a few people who do. On the other hand, I do have a degree in psychology and made it halfway through graduate school before being forced to drop out, so I am very privy to what constitutes emotional abuse, and it’s my belief that many people dealing with it don’t even realize it. That being said, I’d like to give a big shout out to my new friend C, I’m so glad you found my blog C and that I was able to help you in some way. Remember everything I told you, don’t let your life be thrown away thinking it will get better (it will only get worse, it never gets better) and wasting years and years on a largely unhappy relationship and life, it will only lead to increasing misery for you, believe me girl, the feelings of anger and resentment which I have ignored for so long, are blaring horns at me now. Based on conversation, it sounds as though you are quite young. Get out while you can C. I’m telling you, you will pat yourself on the back one day when you’re being treated like the princess that you are. You deserve so much better. I did as well, I just didn’t believe it at the time.

The last coping skill I would like to mention is one that I want to stress with every ounce of my being not to use, because I did for six years of my life until not too long ago and it made all of my problems so much worse. It seems wonderful at the time, but it doesn’t continue being wonderful, it turns your life upside down and then before you know it, you’re in a hell you could never have imagined. I’m talking about drugs. It happened one time and I was hooked. If you are that unhappy and you put something in your mouth that makes you feel like you have been kissed by god himself followed by every one of his angels in heaven, you will never want that feeling to end, so you will continue using. I used methamphetamine. It was amazing. I was able to not think about my shitty life, and to get so much done. In fact, in 2013 I started my freelance writing business and began writing over eight to ten separate blogs, I was doing work for clients on occasion and, I continued writing the book I started in 2011, about OxyContin addiction, which is where my addiction began. I felt on top of the world. I was getting so much writing done that I felt good about myself again and had the confidence to do things outside the home.

Until my husband suspected I was using, and called CPS on me (we were separated). CPS tested me and I was positive for methamphetamine. I lost my three children, but even worse, my oldest two were so let down by me that it nearly broke my heart. It was the worst thing I have ever had to experience, watching as they walked out my front door carrying small suitcases and getting into the father’s car. I wanted to die. I wanted to end my life, right then and there. I thought my life was over. It took a long time to get better, and I’m still not 100% better, but I’m finally looking for a job again and will be a getting a place of my own once I do, I’m back with my kids and we have made a lot of progress in mending our relationships. It will never be the same, however. I will never forgive myself for what I put them through. All because I was too much of a fuckin pussy to stand up for myself and get out of the relationship permanently.

The point I’m making here is this: there are a lot of ways people use to cope with an abusive situation. That doesn’t mean every coping skill is a positive one, and some coping skills are downright dangerous and could potentially destroy your life for at least a period of time. Don’t do what I did. Even with my great education, I still made a very poor judgment call out of desperation. Please seek help if you are in an abusive relationship. Below are some links to resources as well as some articles which will help you find the strength to find freedom from your life of misery. Please, use them.

5 Ways to Get Your Power Back and End Emotional Abuse

Escaping Abusive Relationships

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 50 Obstacles to Leaving

Resources for Victims of Domestic Violence by State

National Domestic Violence Hotline – CHAT with someone here!

Break the Cycle (C, here you go girl, this is for women experiencing dating abuse)

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Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence

Legal Resource Center on Violence Against Women — Legal Resources to help you leave

The National Domestic Violence Hotline — DV Survivors Speak Out About Law Enforcement Responses

 

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Domestic Violence Survivors Speak About Law Enforcement Response Times

 

Please read my next post, which will be providing some important publications and materials for those of you (C!) who are considering leaving your abusive relationship. My purpose in starting this blog was to try and prevent others from making the same mistake I did by staying for so long. Please, if you need someone to talk to on a personal level, email me @ little_lulu@artlover.com and after doing so, I will gladly give you my personal phone number and you can either text me or call me.

Don’t stay thinking it will get better, I’m here to tell you that someone who is abusive has become abusive over a long period of time. It always gets worse, never better. Here is a document for you to download about this, and I hope you will because every little bit of information you acquire, you educate yourself with, makes you stronger——>. PDF File: Can Abusers Change?

I hope you will contact me if you even just need a little reassurance that you can do this. I am here for you. I care, believe me, I created this blog for you. I am your friend. I am Scared Gyrl. Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

Long-Term Effects of Verbal Abuse

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Unless you have had the occasion to be in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship or marriage, it is very easy to think that verbal abuse is “no big deal” or “not as bad as physical abuse”. Quite the contrary, however. Verbal and emotional abuse is so damaging to a person’s emotional well-being and state of mind that, if inflicted over a long period of time, it can severely and even irreversibly damage the victim’s mental health.

Continue reading “Long-Term Effects of Verbal Abuse”

How Can You Help?

There are so many options in order to take action against domestic violence. The first and one of the most important way everyone can help is by raising domestic violence awareness by not just educating yourself and those around you, but by encouraging those around you–anyone you talk to!– to educate those around them

Another way you help this cause is through donations. If you can’t personally make a donation, you can start your own fundraiser to raise funds for domestic violence awareness, or you can join Team Horizon emotionalabusehurts and start raising money directly through Safe Horizons and emotionalabusehurts blog.

Enter the Respect! Challenge and share who you have to thank for teaching you respect, whether it be your mother, father, grandparents…and tell your story!

You can volunteer your time helping at a domestic violence center or a battered women’s shelter. Find your local battered women’s shelter and see how you can volunteer your help, or visit one of the many online hotlines, such as hotline.org, and go to the “take action” or “how can I help?” page to see what help they need.

For more information and ideas on how you can get involved, this article through Pixel Project gives sixteen ways you can help.

futures-leftAnother invaluable resource for tips on getting involved is at futureswithoutviolence.org

and National Coalition to End Domestic Violence says:

NNEDV asks advocates and allies to contact Congress at key times to influence legislation and funding for domestic violence programs.  NNEDV will ask you to make phone calls, send an email or take action on social media sites.  Taking a few minutes to contact your elected officials can mean a world of difference to a survivor of domestic violence

You can also google “how to get involved in fight against domestic violence” or something similar, and you’d be amazed how many links you find!

 

Here I Go Again

…I kiss him softly on his lips before I leave the room momentarily to grab something from the kitchen. I turn to look at him before turning the corner to the hallway, and he smiles so big as he watches me walk all the way to the kitchen. Gone no more than sixty seconds, I walk back to the room and his door feels locked; I realize he locked me out on purpose; I must have taken too long in the kitchen. I lightly knock on his door. He opens it, only to have for me rage all over his face; his own eyes look angry..dark..dead…as if he has become someone else entirely… Continue reading “Here I Go Again”

Need to Butt-Out

I learned a lesson recently about being too passionate about domestic violence awareness and sticking my nose where it’s not wanted, and it’s a lesson that cost me what could have ended up being a friend. To that person I apologize sincerely. I am just very passionate about the issue of domestic violence and when I hear it I react. I didn’t intend to upset you. I wanted to let you know you could talk to me if you wanted to. Here’s what happened:

I was at a friend’s house and overheard a man yelling at, demeaning and calling his girlfriend names over what sounded like nothing, and it was the middle of the night. It’s usually nothing. She was very patient and calm with him, and continued to be patient, to no avail. As any emotionally abused person is aware it does not really matter how calm or patient we are–once an abuser becomes enraged, he or she gets to a point very quickly where no matter what the victim says, nothing is right.

I approached her the next day after being introduced, for what started off as a friendly introduction. Then I said something. She was fine about it at first but then I think I took it too far. After that she was very different toward me. It’s a bummer when that happens, but I want her to know I won’t say another word about it.

To be honest I don’t think if I was presented with the same situation but another stranger, I would be able to keep my mouth closed. It’s in my nature to be caring and nurturing. I care about people and I care about domestic violence victims in general. I’m one.

I’m Scared Gyrl and I’m here if you need someone to talk to, email me anytime day or night at emotionalabusehurts@cybergal.com 

Thanks for reading!

Ask Congress to Keep Guns Away from Abusers

Why should a reported, known domestic abuser be allowed to have a gun? The National Network to End Domestic Violence states, in regard to advocating for domestic violence legislation, that

Year after year, we call upon Congress to enact gun safety legislation that enhances safety for women and families by closing existing gaps in federal firearms laws and expanding background checks.  A number of Members of Congress are advocating for an important background check bill that would help keep firearms out of the hands of dangerous abusers. 

Ask your member of Congress to show his or her support by joining the call for action on this life-saving legislation by clicking here

Federal Legislation on Domestic Violence

There is a surprising amount of legislation in place protecting women and other victims from domestic violence. There are state mandatory reporting laws for domestic violence, which I wasn’t aware of, very similar to the mandatory reporting laws for child abuse. Read the following pdf file about these laws: mandatory.reporting (pdf file). project-connect

Project Connect is a national initiative through the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services to change how tween and teen health, female reproductive health, and Native health services respond to sexual and domestic violence. Project Connect can

help improve maternal and adolescent health and decrease the risks for unplanned pregnancy, poor pregnancy outcomes, and further abuse

There are several landmark cases that have been decided under these new interstate provisions. For example, in United States v. Rita Gluzman (NY), the defendant traveled from New Jersey to New York with the intention of killing her estranged husband. The weapons she took with her were used in the murder. Gluzman was convicted for this crime. In United States v. Mark A. Sterkel (1997), the defendant was convicted of interstate stalking after traveling from Utah to Arizona to threaten his former boss.

Office on Violence Against Women, a division of the United States Department of Justice, seeks to, through federal leadership, reduce violence against women and administer justice for the crimes committed in victims, as well as to ensure there are services and resources available to victims of not just domestic violence but also of dating violence, sexual assault and stalking.

Congress has passed two main federal laws on domestic violence. The first is Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), under which a domestic violence misdemeanor is one in which someone is convicted for a crime “committed by an intimate partner, parent, or guardian of the victim that required the use or attempted use of physical force or the threatened use of a deadly weapon” (Section 922 (g)[9]). Under these guidelines, an intimate partner is a spouse, a former spouse, a person who shares a child in common with the victim, or a person who cohabits or has cohabited with the victim. VAWA originally allowed victims of domestic abuse to sue for damages in civil court. However, this part of the VAWA was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in Brzonkala v. Morrison (2000), wherein the court held that Congress did not have the authority to implement such a law. The Violence Against Women Act states:

The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was the first major law to help government agencies and victim advocates work together to fight domestic violence, sexual assault, and other types of violence against women. It created new punishments for certain crimes and started programs to prevent violence and help victims. Over the years, the law has been expanded to provide more programs and services. Currently, some included items are:

  • Violence prevention programs in communities
  • Protections for victims who are evicted from their homes because of events related to domestic violence or stalking
  • Funding for victim assistance services like rape crisis centers and hotlines
  • Programs to meet the needs of immigrant women and women of different races or ethnicities
  • Programs and services for victims with disabilities
  • Legal aid for survivors of violence
  • Services for children and teens

The National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women works to help promote the goals and vision of VAWA. The committee is a joint effort between the U.S. Department of Justice and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Examples of the committee’s efforts include the Community Checklist initiative to make sure each community has domestic violence programs and the Toolkit to End Violence Against Women, which has chapters for specific audiences

The Family Violence Prevention and Services Act:

provides the main federal funding to help victims of domestic violence and their dependents (such as children). Programs funded through FVPSA provide shelter and related help. They also offer violence prevention activities and try to improve how service agencies work together in communities

Click here for more laws and legislation for domestic violence.

As always, you can reach me anytime at emotionalabusehurts@cybergal.com. Thank you for reading!

Join Team emotionalabusehurts!

 

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Visit My Team to raise money for domestic violence awareness at Team Horizon through Safe Horizon!